{"id":238,"date":"2018-03-22T16:24:59","date_gmt":"2018-03-22T16:24:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/?p=238"},"modified":"2018-05-08T08:54:05","modified_gmt":"2018-05-08T08:54:05","slug":"cancer-diagnosis-healing-and-feeling-timeline","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/cancer-diagnosis-healing-and-feeling-timeline\/","title":{"rendered":"Cancer Diagnosis, Healing and Feeling Timeline"},"content":{"rendered":"

Denial <\/strong>I was in denial the moment I felt the pea sized lump. I was too stressed at work to deal with it and it came and went with my cycle so it was only once I had quit my job a few months later that I found the time to make a doctors appointment. Denial then went into overdrive.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My world collapses in <\/strong>You are bombarded with so many percentages you are repeatedly told that your \ufb01ve year survival relies on you doing as you are told.\u00a0\u00a0 I knew no one with cancer and those I knew who had had loved ones die from it, they were at the six year point so I didn\u2019t understand why FIVE years was the \ufb01gure banned about.\u00a0 I wanted a percentage for FORTY year survival. I found that in natural healed stories.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Muppets or Puppets <\/strong>We are told we should trust doctors, but having \ufb01nally experienced a number of them on my cancer journey, I have discovered that most of their hearts are in the right place but their knowledge is not. Are they\u00a0 trusting what they are taught or questioning it? What system have they been sucked into?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Percentage this, Percentage that\u00a0 <\/strong>You are bombarded with so many percentages you are repeatedly told that your \ufb01ve year survival relies on you doing as you are told.\u00a0\u00a0 I knew no one with cancer and those I knew who had had loved ones die from it, they were at the six year point so I didn\u2019t understand why FIVE years was the \ufb01gure banned about.\u00a0 I wanted a percentage for FORTY year survival. I found that in natural healed stories.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Information Overload<\/strong> The doctors can tell you as much as they want and you come home with a bag full of lea\ufb02ets from MacMillan. Reading it all and looking for the straight facts that you want listed out for you is impossible alone as I discovered.\u00a0 You keep wanting to \ufb01nd the lea\ufb02et that just tells you straight what you should do.\u00a0 As none of them where answering my questions, just making more questions I became even more confused.\u00a0 I have learnt that there are answers out there but most Doctors have been blinkered.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am a person, not a disease <\/strong>From my pre-op for the lumpectomy, I discovered I had a hole in my heart. I discovered that that cancer didn\u2019t worry me, the hole in my heart didn\u2019t worry me, but the fear of lymphodema in my arm was petrifying.\u00a0 At no point did anyone want to help me with my fears. Percentages were just thrown at me to confuse me more. Not once was I given help that helped me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Learn to Listen to Yourself <\/strong>I remember my instinct was to not have the lymph node surgery as that was my biggest fear. I had no counselling to see if I would be able to deal with the aftermath, I ignored my intuition, as that is what I had learnt to do, and convinced myself I would be \ufb01ne and that no nodes would be removed. I later found out that even the one sentinel node removal for testing could cause lymphodema, Why was I not told this?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Avatar <\/strong>Paramhansa Yogananda explained that the term avatar refers to a soul who has been freed from maya (delusion) and is sent by the will of God back into manifested existence to help others. An ex friend, when I said that they would inject blue dye into me to highlight the lymph nodes, said I would be an avatar. A bit more sexy than a smurfette I think. I was told I would be blue for 12-18 months. I am still blue nearly 3 years on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One Lump or Two?<\/strong> After having a mammogram, an ultrasound and a biopsy where they couldn\u2019t get the needle in the tumour, eventually leaving me black and blue, I was told I had one tumour and a lumpectomy would be done. They get you in for surgery before you have time to look into options. A target to hit perhaps? You discover on waking that you actually had two tumours.\u00a0 A grade 2 invasive mucinous carcinoma and a grade 2 invasive ductal carcinoma where discovered.\u00a0 So was the mammogram wrong or did the biopsy spread the tumour? Because I had quit my job a month before, I was much happier, eating better and exercising more, was my tumour encapsulating? Is that why they had a hard time doing the biopsy? Was the mammogram correct and did the\u00a0 biopsy spread the cancer cells? I am learning that no one knows, so why do they try so hard to convince us that we should believe what they tell us. I was told because of my age, breasts are dense so mammograms are not accurate, in which case why is this inaccurate, outdated technology being used? So my smaller breast is now even smaller!!<\/p>\n

Egg Collection<\/strong>\u00a0 I opted to have egg collection as I was\u00a0 told I should fear chemo and the\u00a0 possible side effects, so asked to have\u00a0 egg collection.This seemed to be a\u00a0 challenge for my oncologist, but a\u00a0 blessing in disguise as I got to practise\u00a0 injecting myself, something I discovered\u00a0 I would have to do after each chemo,\u00a0 that the oncologist neglected to tell me.\u00a0 The one round of egg collection that I\u00a0 did, I had seven good eggs, but then was\u00a0 told that on defrosting that eggs don’t\u00a0 defrost as well as embryos.<\/p>\n

So Alone<\/strong>\u00a0 I felt alone going through the\u00a0 experience. I guess each each and\u00a0 everyones experience is unique, so\u00a0 why give us the same drugs? I was the\u00a0 youngest in most support groups and\u00a0 waiting rooms, and as my nurse said to\u00a0 me,\u201dYou\u2019re not a straight forward\u00a0 case\u201d. I didn\u2019t understand what she
\nmeant as surely they had come across\u00a0 other people that had holes in their\u00a0 hearts and other people that had done\u00a0 egg collection?\u00a0 At the same time I was changing my\u00a0 diet and improving my lifestyle. People
\nlook at you with pity when you tell\u00a0 them your diagnosis, then they look at\u00a0 you with pity, thinking you are stupid\u00a0 when you question things!<\/p>\n

Anger<\/strong>\u00a0 I have to imagine that the scars and nerve damage were caused by the sword of a soldier defending his ideals, a sheep being told what to do and believe. I am stronger, more resilient and forgiving than
\nthey will ever understand. Their sword caused more mental and physical damage than the cancer ever did, whilst their beliefs cause untold pain and agony. I learnt anger, and regret does not serve me. Cancer is not a fight but a healing journey into oneself.<\/p>\n

Chemo Baby<\/strong>\u00a0 I felt beautiful and liberated loosing my hair. I had never had the courage to go short as I could hide my face behind my long wavy hair. It did make me feel like I had the body of a grown baby and made me wonder why women spend so much money to look like a child. At the same time I finally felt hair free and beautiful as this is what magazines say is the ideal look we should strive for as we will be loved more if we attain this image!! Dealing with it growing back was a challenge. I was sad when heart surgery meant what had just grown back was shaved off. It did mean I could be reminded what a lovely colour my natural hair colour is in sunlight and that the grey was not as bad as I thought. I could also have a sleek and stylish wig and pretend I was someone else. I remember the wig lady saying most people go for a wig similar to their original hairstyle. I said it would be years till I would get long hair again so went for something different. I\u2019m still waiting for my eyebrows to get back to what they were. Sweat running into my eyes is no fun, but the oncologists didn’t listen to my chosen lifestyle choices.<\/p>\n

Strength<\/strong>\u00a0 I have learnt that meditation, being true to yourself, listening to your gut instinct, reading between the lines of everyones\u00a0 options, diet, exercise, nutrition, the right support are a major factor in healing. Singing, dancing, meditation and getting out in nature some of the most important.<\/p>\n

Questions?<\/strong>\u00a0 I discovered that out of all the questions I asked, I never had any real answers given to
\nme. If I wasn’t given a percentage as an answer then they never had an exact answer. It was always a bit vague as if they didn\u2019t really know. It was always at these times when they referred to us as individuals, but they didn\u2019t actually see that we are.<\/p>\n

Tamoxifen<\/strong> I lost all my strength saying no to radiotherapy. It is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I eventually started Tamoxifen against my instincts. After a few months my hips and joints started to ache so much that I could no longer go running, which is my sanity. I got really depressed which is a side affect. All the forums where full of women complaining about the aches and how it prevented them living their life. My oncologist didn\u2019t listen to my ideas and said it could be bone cancer. He had marvellous people skills, knock you down further when you are already struggling!! I also read that because my receptors were eight out of eight was why I was having major side effects. I was so depressed I went to the Doctors and asked him to slit my wrists. He said he was unable to do that so I asked for a hug, but he was also unable to do that\u2026\u2026.what could he do I wondered?\u2026..supply more pills was his offer!!<\/p>\n

I Chose Life<\/strong>\u00a0 Having seen the Doctor, asking him to slit my wrists, the following week I was mugged. I
\nbelieve I was so depressed that the negative energy I was displaying bought the mugging on me. A beautiful sunny Friday afternoon in August, someone walked up behind me and attempted to steal my bag from across my shoulders with a knife. He was unsuccessful and my bag just fell to the floor.Turning round and
\nfacing someone holding a knife toward you, looking him in the eye and him then running off, all I could do was stand and cry, as I couldn\u2019t chase after him as my hips and joints ached so much, walking was a chore. Most people are surprised when I tell them that the experience snapped me out of my depression and gave me the strength to stop taking Tamoxifen as I advised my oncologist that I would rather live than exist. I am still anxious whenever I hear someone walking behind me but I know this to be anxiety. Waking up with hot sweats and not sleeping was the Tamoxifen and not \u2018anxiety\u2019 as all the medical staff wanted to tell me I was experiencing, I know the difference and the sleepless nights of hot flushes were caused by
\nthe Tamoxifen, not anxiety.The herb Melissa worked wonders for me.<\/p>\n

Empowerment<\/strong>\u00a0 I still remember the feeling of excitement when I told the Oncologist where to go with
\nhis Tamoxifen, percentages and God complex.\u00a0 I FELT ALIVE and still do at the memory.\u00a0 I would still like to have an oncologist, one that has integrative ideas, with wider\u00a0 knowledge and better people skills than the three I had experience of. One that allows\u00a0 me to be presented with every option, standard, alternative and both, then lets me have A CHOICE WITH WHAT I BELIEVE AND FEELS RIGHT FOR ME.<\/p>\n

Nutrition<\/strong>\u00a0 Changing my diet to a plant based diet, just before starting chemotherapy is I believe, what helped me\u00a0 get through the ordeal.<\/p>\n

Exercise<\/strong> Running is my sanity. It is what calmed me down and helped me contemplate life in a calm manner, before I discovered meditation. I love running outside in nature, but I also attended to a group called Energise, a weekly gym session, which was great for support and hearing other peoples experience of different cancers.<\/p>\n

Meditation<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it takes practise, but so does everything, but I have discovered it is an amazing tool for healing and\u00a0 wellbeing. Why is it not on the list of what patients are required to do. Arts, crafts, gardening, fishing etc,\u00a0 everyone has something that is a meditative activity that they can do to start with. All activities that don’t\u00a0 seem to require science to establish if they are good for you seem to be meditative.<\/p>\n

Trees and\u00a0 Nature \u2018Observe a tree, grow in peace\u2019<\/strong>\u00a0 Trees are symbols of physical and spiritual nourishment, transformation and liberation,\u00a0 sustenance, spiritual growth, union and fertility.<\/p>\n

Teeth<\/strong>
\nAs I now refuse mammograms due\u00a0 to them not being an efficient\u00a0 diagnostic tool for myself, I had a full
\nbody thermographic scan in January\u00a0 2017. This showed I had congestion\u00a0 around my sinuses. When I thought about it, breathing through my nose was not clear but this had become normal. I thought nothing of it until I broke my tooth at Easter. I discovered I had had a root canal about 15 years ago that I had forgotten about. It turned out it was on the BREAST MERIDIAN LINE. I had all my amalgam fillings removed without anaesthetic, just homeopathy and rescue remedy. It was an empowering experience for
\nme. My head now feels lighter and I can breathe easier. I am due my root canal out in October 2017. It will be interesting to see if the tinnitus that went after I had surgery, but is now returning, will disappear once I have the root canal out as it is on the same side. I have a head and chest thermographic scan in January 2018 to see if the work on my teeth has changed anything.<\/p>\n

The Present<\/strong>
\nEnjoying the journey.
\nIn the moment.
\nAppreciating life and living it the best way I can
\nfor me right now in this moment.
\nBeing in and feeling nature around me.
\nDetoxing from negativity, pollution and the
\naccumulated toxins of 40 years.
\nEnjoying the excitement of experimenting and
\nseeing what helps heal my body.
\nHealing.
\nGratitude.
\nThe Present
\nEnjoying the journey.
\nIn the moment.
\nAppreciating life and living it the best way I can
\nfor me right now in this moment.
\nBeing in and feeling nature around me.
\nDetoxing from negativity, pollution and the
\naccumulated toxins of 40 years.
\nEnjoying the excitement of experimenting and
\nseeing what helps heal my body.
\nHealing.
\nGratitude.<\/p>\n

Sunflowers\u00a0 <\/strong>The Sunflower\u2019s Message Is\u2026Stand tall and follow your dreams. Focus on what\u2019s positive in your life and don\u2019t let anyone get you\u00a0 down.<\/p>\n

Jessica, breast cancer survivor<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Denial I was in denial the moment I felt the pea sized lump. I was too stressed at work to deal with it and it came and went with my […]","protected":false},"author":1413,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,12,11,10,4,19,9,17,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-breast-cancer","category-diagnosis","category-going-through-treatment","category-life-after-treatment","category-loneliness","category-nature","category-resilience","category-worry","category-young-people"],"meta_box":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1413"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=238"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":412,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions\/412"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.cardiff.ac.uk\/cancerservicesresearch\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}